30 lessons I learned before turning 30 (Part 1)

I’m turning 30 soon. For me, age is a relative concept, and each age has no particular meaning. Yet, during this year of transition to my 30s, I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life: past, present, and future. I thought it could be interesting to come up with 30 lessons I’ve learned throughout the years. This could be especially useful for younger folks. Nevertheless, these principles can be learned at any age. Better late than never.

To make the list more palatable, I will divide it into 3 parts, each containing 10 lessons, in no particular order. I also added a small commentary to each lesson for context and further explanation.

I would also like to mention that these lessons are not the ultimate truth and that they may apply or not to you in your particular situation. All I can do is talk about my life experience, so you have to use your judgment to assess whether the principles outlined below make sense to you.

I included whenever I remembered the circumstances that led to the lesson. However, lots of them occurred over a span of several years. Thus, pinpointing the exact moment these ideas arose isn’t easy.

Without further ado, here is the first part of the list with 10 lessons.

1) Inner game > Outer game

Most self-improvement is focused on techniques and specific protocols to improve your life. Nothing is wrong with that, especially when you don’t want to bother with low-level minutiae. However, if you want to understand and embody the techniques, you need to master the principles instead.

Self-improvement is psychological in nature. It boils down to a process of self-discovery and removal of fears and limiting beliefs. For example, seek to understand why you lack confidence instead of memorizing pick-up lines.

It took me a long time to realize the importance of this principle. And probably, you have to go through multiple experiences and pain to really understand it. We want quick success, and this clouds our big-picture thinking.

2) The value of personal development

I was fortunate to discover personal development at around 19 or so. Now, kids have it even easier. In any case, I found personal development thanks to the internet, and I could see the value of it right away. This idea of trying to achieve your full potential in life makes life way more exciting. After all, what else is there to do?

Over time, I became more interested in “airy-fairy” personal development (philosophical and spiritual topics). After all, our physical bodies will die eventually. It became inevitable to ask the big questions regarding the meaning of life and the ultimate nature of reality.

Yet, I became aware that these cool ideas needed to be embodied and that too much theorizing without practice can be detrimental. Thus, the more “mundane” personal development still takes an essential role in my life.

3) The value of having a life purpose

I had a hard time deciding what career path to follow in university. I’ve always had many interests, so choosing one option and sticking to it forever sounded too much of a commitment (especially when you are 18). To be honest, I was pretty clueless about what to do with my life, so I chose Engineering. However, I quickly realized that it was a mistake. In university, I discovered “real” mathematics (not the one they teach you at school). I found it fascinating, so I changed to maths.

Fast forward to 2020, during my PhD, I learned about the idea of a “life purpose.” In short, it’s a 10-year plan for your professional life. After finishing my PhD, I wasn’t sure about my path then, so I started pondering it. I also took a course about finding your life purpose to get guidance and understand the process. However, all this sounded quite unrealistic at the time, so I put those lofty ideas aside.

But life always throws you the same problem over and over until you learn the lesson. This year, after a profound crisis that shattered my life, I realized I didn’t want to pursue the academic path. This time, however, the constraints from the past are not there, so I’m 100% committed to fine-tuning and actualizing my life purpose for the next 10 years.

Nevertheless, I’ve learned so many lessons during the last decade that no effort was in vain.

4) Intrinsic motivation > extrinsic motivation

This idea relates to many of the points in the list. In a nutshell, we have to be our best cheerleader. There will be times when no one will believe in us. Let’s say you want to change careers and follow your life purpose (point 3). Probably, few to no people will support you. We like to stay in our comfort zone, and bringing uncertainty to the table won’t be received well by our close ones. In those situations, you will likely fail unless you have a total conviction that what you are doing is the right move. You may still fail regardless, though.

Extrinsic motivation is about putting your attention on the end result. Intrinsic motivation is about the journey. I know it sounds cliché. But there is some wisdom there. After all, achieving a goal will likely give you a short dopamine rush. Soon, you will be chasing your next goal. This is especially sad if you didn’t enjoy the journey. If you are intrinsically motivated, no matter the result, you will have collected experiences and learned lessons from them. This will foster your growth.

5) Fame and success are not worth pursuing

This lesson is a corollary of the previous point. Pursuing fame and success is extrinsic motivation. The main problem is that those are highly fluctuating. Even if you get fame and success, you must fight to keep them. On the other hand, if you get them because of your work or personal life, that’s a different story. Just be aware and not become attached to them.

In good hands, fame or success can positively influence many people and impact the world. If you have big ambitions, you will likely become influential at some point (provided you accomplish your goals). I’m pointing at pursuing fame just for fame’s sake (like most influencers). It shouldn’t be the end goal but a potential tool for the betterment of our society.

A watered-down version of this point is this: don’t try to stand out or be special. Focus on your craft and try to improve little by little over time.

6) Becoming the architect of your life

This idea is related to the previous point but more to our daily routines. How you organize your day, and what you do and do not.

Time is our most precious resource, so spending it wisely is a good idea. The critical point here is to be mindful of your daily routines. 

I prefer a minimalistic lifestyle (for details, see my previous post). I focus my time on the few activities I enjoy and cut all the rest. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you. The important message here is to be mindful about your choices and not live on autopilot.

7) Long-term over short-term relationships

This is more of a personal preference. Nevertheless, I want to share it because society seems to push us to have more short and casual relationships. Again, nothing wrong with that. The critical point is to make your own decisions.

Some people prefer to experience more short-term relationships in search of one on which they can stick in the long term. But also involves an additional cost in terms of time and emotional effort. For me, at least, it was clear that I didn’t want that. Instead, I see relationships as incredible growth opportunities. I couldn’t be who I am now without my past relationships. Their long-term character gave me multiple opportunities to learn and make mistakes.

8) The value of good habits in our life

This may sound obvious, but the sad reality is that many people don’t embody this principle. So I think it’s a good idea to mention it once more.

What “good” habits are will depend on your goals in life. Still, some practices are universally considered good, such as eating healthy, taking care of your body, getting good quality sleep, etc.

Of equal importance is staying away from bad habits. Fortunately, I never smoked, and I rarely drink alcohol. On the other hand, I ate quite poorly during my childhood, and it took me some time to figure out how to eat correctly and lose the extra weight I accumulated. Also, not until recently did I quit for good video games and porn. Those habits took time and energy from my life, so removing them once and for all was a good idea.

Many people struggle with habits because they don’t contemplate why those habits are good (or bad) ideas in the first place. This doesn’t have to be limited to mere introspection. You can become aware in your daily life of how your actions affect your life. For example, you may pay close attention to how you feel after eating lots of junk food or getting drunk. Every action has consequences; becoming aware of this cycle can make the necessary “click” to take action.

All it really takes is a complete determination to change your life. Once you have it, then changing habits becomes effortless.

9) The importance of reading (good) books

I’m a big nonfiction reader. Over the years, I’ve become more aware of the value of good books for self-improvement than other avenues (like YouTube or podcasts).

After all, most self-improvement videos nowadays are mostly entertainment and contain little depth. On the other hand, books (and audiobooks, by the way) can go in so much depth, allowing you to internalize and embody the concepts.

Nowadays, I rarely consume self-improvement content on YouTube (besides the few good ones out there). Instead, listen to the audiobook version of books I’ve already read or I’m currently reading. In this regard, quality beats quantity.

Regardless of the content’s medium, be careful not to over-consume content and start implementing the advice. 

10) Don’t take your life (and yourself) too seriously

This is one of the most critical lessons in the list. And I had to learn it the hard way.

I used to tie my identity and self-worth based on my career and intellectual abilities. That created a permanent sense of anxiety inside my mind. Even though most of the time, it was barely noticeable, at moments, it created a lot of suffering, especially when I “failed.” This made me very afraid of failure. I always wanted to win. But life doesn’t work that way. At some point, it’s inevitable to face defeats and failures. These situations made me very miserable. Eventually, I had to either surrender to reality or continue suffering. Fortunately, I let go of this attachment, and all the suffering disappeared.

Pay attention next time you feel triggered or hurt, and you will discover the part of your identity that feels threatened. If you let it go, you won’t feel triggered anymore, and suffering disappears.

Which lessons did you like the most? Feel free to leave a comment!

And stay in tune for parts 2 and 3.

If you liked this article, subscribe to my newsletter to get access to free self-improvement principles every week.